Am I worth it?

I wrote a while ago about motivation and miracles and how without winning the lotto or some other serious miracle, there is no way that I could accept a place at drama school, Toi Whakaari or any other. Aside from working on winning the lotto, I have obviously been wracking my brain about other possibilities to earn enough money for at least the first year.

I know, I don't even have a call back (yet) to round two of the Toi audition process but I better start thinking about my options, or better keep thinking about them, now. I can't afford to run out of time. Ideas, anyone?! Anyone?!

My thoughts have included among others the following

Be a walking billboard for a year: This director who went to film school in New York City. To finance his ventures he sold ad space on a t-shirt which he the wore every day for a whole year. Brilliant I idea, I thought, I'm gonna steal it! But Wellington is not New York. Wellington has a population of just under 400,000. That's roughly eight million less than New York. Also, if you know the Wellington weather, you you know that running around in a t-shirt the whole year round is a pretty stupid idea, no matter how many layers you wear underneath. It's wet, very wet, and very windy. So, good idea, bad idea, worth the investment of time and money to get the ball rolling? I'm struggling to make up my mind.

Get paid for writing a daily blog about going to drama school: Ha!

A full scholarship: Yeah, I've been thinking about and researching this one quite a lot. I have searched the internet, I have asked around and this morning I finally went to the Library to check out the government's Breakout website. There are 2200 funding schemes on that site. I narrowed down the possibilities to 19 pages worth of general and fine arts scholarships, one page specifically for performing arts. On closer inspection, not a single one applied to me. None, nada, niente! The German government hardly awards scholarships either, and - as sure as hell doesn't exist - not for going to drama school. No ethnicity, women's, parent targeted or even general performing arts or general scholarship applies to me. So, I've been asking myself are actors not worth to even apply for funding to learn their craft? Am I not worth it? I am experiencing the exact same conundrum yet AGAIN that almost deterred me from being able to spent a school year in the US when I was 16. My mun and my grandma scrounged every last penny together to make it possible. It's the same conundrum that prevented me from doing my undergrad studies abroad and from studying many of the subjects that I secretly wanted to study. The same one that forced me to take up a giant student loan to go uni at all, let alone to grad school. Not getting a scholarship that one applied for - fair enough. But not even being given the chance to apply for one? Man, THAT just sucks as!

So, what am I left with? I could book that lead role (recurring of course) in a national or overseas commercial or series of commercials. I could book a lead in big budget film or a series reg on an awesome TV show? Right? I could?! However, I am not trained, I don't have a long CV, and all of the above are few and far between in New Zealand and I probably don't have to stress how incredibly competitive the market is, especially for female actors.

Does this stupid, stupid situation make me want to curl up in bed, hide under the blankets and just give up? Yeah, admittedly sometimes it does. This morning it certainly did. But I CAN'T! I can't just give up! I have finally started something that I am passionate about, that I really, really, REALLY want to do. I want to learn. I want to build a craft, MY craft and I want to go get out there and earn my place in the industry.

So, I am going to do a lot more thinking, and a lot more researching, and a lot more shouting out to the universe, 'Please let me get that audition for that big job and let me be fantastic and book it!' 'Let me find someone who believes that I am worth the investment, that I am going to make my mark in the creative community!' 'Let me find some other way to take that place at drama school if - when - I have earned it!'

Because miracles do happen. Because I am worth it.