Motivation and miracles

I spent the morning at Toi Whakaari, drama school. It was probably the best decision I have made yet leading up to the audition in September.

Quite frankly, my motivation regarding the Toi audition has been lacking of late. In my defence, this wasn't due to my laziness. I don't have time to be lazy. I've been working two jobs that take up pretty much all of my time and the rest of the time I'm a mum. That's a 24 hour job, people! However, I probably could have made at least a little more time to prepare for the big day.

My lack of motivation came from an entirely different place. At the moment it looks like the best case scenario for my Toi adventure is this: I get through the audition, I get through the weekend workshop, I get into Toi - and won't be able to afford going. It's not so much the course fees. I could slap another few thousand of dollars on top of my already existing student loans. That in itself is a very scary thought and lets face it, already not viable at present. However, I am also a mother and I have a family. I am responsible for contributing to our livelihood. My partner would happily send me off to drama school because he understands how amazing and important this would be for me. But I wouldn't be able to commit to the intense programme, be a mum AND earn enough money to contribute to our income. We won't be able to get by on just one income. Not for three years. That's the reality. That's life.

So, without winning the lotto (working on that...) or some other serious miracle, there is no way that I could accept a place at drama school, this one or any other. It is what it is and not particularly motivating either.

So, I spent the morning at Toi, sitting in on dance and voice lessons, chatting to the students, soaking up the vibe of the place. Dance class I was only able to observe, which was a shame because it looked like so much fun - painful but loads of fun! The voice lesson I actually got to take part in (whoop whoop!). Loved it, learned heaps! Favourite part: new tools for preparing a Shakespeare monologue. The few hours I spent at Toi today made me so happy I felt like skipping down to the bus stop!

I also realised that I have to audition, that I want to audition and that I cannot let a future problem, as insurmountable as it is for now, hold me back from pursuing what I want. If it is meant to be, it is meant to be. So, here's to going to my audition prepared, focused and joyous, and to a miracle!