Feeling great about feeling pathetic and devestated

Tuesday night was Meisner night again and we kicked it off with some repetition before going into our last scripted scene work for a few weeks. I had a great class. I came in tired and worn out, ready to go to sleep. During repetition I felt thoroughly ganged up on, like a pathetic little 13 year old who is being bullied and had no idea how to get out of the situation. And to top it off during scene work I felt shocked, scared, and devastated, with the weight of enormous loss crushing me. It was AWESOME!


What the ...? No, I haven't gone off my rocker. I was just completely in the moment, truly living someone else's life for a bit. During rep that happened to be that 13 year old that I still carry around with me from time to time. She said, or better wailed a snot nosed 'Hello!' for a moment and then was gone in a splash when I realised how absolutely pathetic I felt. It was great relief because while it was quite an amazing experience to go back to a place of yesteryears, I am very grateful that I have long since moved on from it.

My other life on Tuesday night was that of Clarissa from 'The Hours' in the moments that Richard, her best friend and the love of her life, her only true love, is telling her that he is sick and tired of being sick and tired, and that she needs to let him go now, before jumping out of a window. What a privilege it was to experience her heartbreak, the heartbreak of seeing a loved one suffer from a devastating disease, dying a slow and painful death of the body and the mind. How amazing it was to see through her eyes how great love can become great loss in the blink of an eye. How humbling it was to have lived truthfully under these imaginary circumstance that are a reality for so many people.

Thank you, Terry, for living this moment with me and thank you Barbara and my Meisner buddies for sharing this moment with us. I love acting and here is why!

Motivation and miracles

I spent the morning at Toi Whakaari, drama school. It was probably the best decision I have made yet leading up to the audition in September.

Quite frankly, my motivation regarding the Toi audition has been lacking of late. In my defence, this wasn't due to my laziness. I don't have time to be lazy. I've been working two jobs that take up pretty much all of my time and the rest of the time I'm a mum. That's a 24 hour job, people! However, I probably could have made at least a little more time to prepare for the big day.

My lack of motivation came from an entirely different place. At the moment it looks like the best case scenario for my Toi adventure is this: I get through the audition, I get through the weekend workshop, I get into Toi - and won't be able to afford going. It's not so much the course fees. I could slap another few thousand of dollars on top of my already existing student loans. That in itself is a very scary thought and lets face it, already not viable at present. However, I am also a mother and I have a family. I am responsible for contributing to our livelihood. My partner would happily send me off to drama school because he understands how amazing and important this would be for me. But I wouldn't be able to commit to the intense programme, be a mum AND earn enough money to contribute to our income. We won't be able to get by on just one income. Not for three years. That's the reality. That's life.

So, without winning the lotto (working on that...) or some other serious miracle, there is no way that I could accept a place at drama school, this one or any other. It is what it is and not particularly motivating either.

So, I spent the morning at Toi, sitting in on dance and voice lessons, chatting to the students, soaking up the vibe of the place. Dance class I was only able to observe, which was a shame because it looked like so much fun - painful but loads of fun! The voice lesson I actually got to take part in (whoop whoop!). Loved it, learned heaps! Favourite part: new tools for preparing a Shakespeare monologue. The few hours I spent at Toi today made me so happy I felt like skipping down to the bus stop!

I also realised that I have to audition, that I want to audition and that I cannot let a future problem, as insurmountable as it is for now, hold me back from pursuing what I want. If it is meant to be, it is meant to be. So, here's to going to my audition prepared, focused and joyous, and to a miracle!

Your chance to demand a Bechdel-film!

The Embassy, Wellington is asking us to let them know what classic films we would like them to screen next. Here is your chance to demand a classic film which passes the Bechdel test! How about for instance Fried Green Tomatoes, Steel Magnolias, White Oleander, Doubt, Terms of Endearment or even the Resident Evil trilogy if you're in the mood for some zombie action! Go to their facebook page here. Happy movie-going everyone!