Monday, 30 May 2011

Lovely shade of green

There's a reason why I haven't been blogging for a while.

The other day I had a discussion with a few friends about the difference between envy and jealousy. I think the general idea that we agreed upon was that envy was the more destructive feeling of the two. Being jealous is basically saying, 'You're so awesome, I wish I was like you!'

That's not necessarily a bad thing. It might even encourage you to do better, to work harder, to dream bigger.

But envy is different. Envy is saying 'You're so awesome, I wish I was like you! I am so so jealous that I don't want you to be who you are. I don't want you to be awesome. Actually, you're not awesome, you're shit!'

I'm pretty sure even the most mild-tempered of us have the occasional bout of envy, especially in a business were being 'successful' is so hard to achieve. When I say 'successful', I don't just mean the financial success of being a full-time working, potentially even famous, critically acclaimed actor or actress. I'm talking especially about the kind of success that comes in this business from letting go of the fears of scarcity and rejection, and by being and staying in the business of acting/being creative, whether or not this makes us financially successful. I mean the success that stems from creating your own work and opportunities, from being happy because we allow ourselves to be creative without the need for anyone from the outside (CDs, producers, directors...) to give us cause and opportunity.

We all know how hard it is to be either or both kinds of successful, creatively and financially. But if we manage to actually be content with being creatively successful, we can let go of the fears of scarcity and rejection, and of the nagging need to also be financially successful. But we also know how hard that process is!

And here's the thing, it is so much easier to feel angry that that actress just keeps booking EVERYTHING, and even angrier about that actor who has just started out and just keeps booking things because he is so DAMN good looking. It's so much easier to be jealous and even easier to be envious, than to examine our own lives and possibilities, and figure out a way to be creatively happy and successful if not financially so.

I have been feeling very jealous lately. No, actually that wouldn't be so bad. It might even help shatter this constant feeling of paralysis. But no, I'm not jealous, I am envious! I know I am wrong but getting out of this funk currently seems like an impossibility. Try as I might to make myself creatively happy, life currently gets in the way every single time. It makes me angry, it scares me, and that paralysing envy finds a wide open door to my heart and mind. Worst of all, on those opportunities were creative fulfilment is offered from outside myself I am not even capable of truly enjoying it. I have chronic FOMO and I wouldn't be surprised if I woke up tomorrow to a 'lovely' green-tinted reflection of myself staring back at me in the mirror.

I am acutely aware that a lot of this is happening in my head and that my awful energy is not helping things improve.  I also know that I need to stick up for myself and for what I need more often and more vehemently. But man it is hard!

There you have it. I am not exactly blogger material at the moment.